To improve the world

If right now I could make one change to my community to improve my life (and the world) it would be a chocolate delivery system. I don't know if any of you have thought of this but it is by far the greatest idea I have had, so far.

How often are you in need of something delicious and chocolaty yet similateously too lazy (or in the midst of a huge storm that is shaking your windows) to a. go out and buy chocolate or b. spend the time baking something chocolate? Is it just me? Am I the only one suffering this deeply tormenting problem?

Think about which do you crave more often, chocolate or Chinese food (which is probably worse for you given the amount of MSG in the food)? Yes, that precisely what I thought. There is clearly a market for this so come on entrepreneurs catch up.

mid quarter crises

Many of you (as in the two people who read this blog because you are close friends of mine) are well aware of the state of things under my tiny studio sized non leaky roof. For the rest of you (my imaginary audience) I will explain it to you. I am going through a mid-quarter crises. Many of you may ask what casuses this? What is a mid-quarter crises? Does it happen quarterly? Should I expect to go through this phase?
Let me walk you through what this crises is and see if that helps answer your questions. I began to feel my mid quarter crises when I looked at the whether forecast for this week and saw that for the week we should be expecting rain, solid rain everyday. For many of you (imaginary people) who may be desert dwellers this might be exciting and cause to celebrate, yet because I live in St.Louis where, as Nelly said "we play the rain all day" this is neither new, exciting, or cause for celebration. The prospect of rain for an entire week brings out the inner depressant in me and catalyzes deep degrees of self reflection in which I look back over my (short) life and consider if I am mediocre because I gave up my childhood dreams, dreams of being a horseback rider or a model, and if should just drop everything to do______ (it has not been figured out).
My mid-quarter crises culminates in asking, what Camus considers the only question worth asking is life worth living. HOLD THE PHONE this is only a mid quarter-crises and not a life crises therefore I was not for a moment contemplating actual suicide just suicide/murder of the life I am living, an undoing of the direction my life is headed. So that is for me a mid-quarter crises, a period of time when I consider whether or not my parallel life where I am a horseback rider is better than this one. Will you hit this phase? Probably. Will you quit everything to do _____? Probably not. Should you though? I don't know, it is still raining outside.

I should have forseen this.

My philosophy professor would have a philosophy about grading.  Apparently standard grading techniques do not apply to "true thinkers."  It turns out the number that he puts on the test isn't actually the grade we receive, just the grade we deserve.  So the first 15 minutes of class, I'm staring at my hard earned 17/25, on the verge of tears.  I calculated my percent grade on my handy iphone at least 5 times to ensure that I wasn't hallucinating the 68% grade. My whole identity was suddenly only worth a D+.  I avoid catching my professor's eye as he sits there in his 30 year old jeans and sweater from a time when he must have been 50 pounds heavier.  (it occurs to me now that maybe he doesn't have a wife to get him new clothes... :( hmmm I AM in the market for a professor these days... something to consider.) Anyways, he is sitting there all normal and old looking and says "I'm very pleased with how the midterm went. The class did very well." [I cant bear to listen, I'll just wallow in self pity and indignation]
My brain is trying to process:
it goes a little like this: OMFG! I goto every class, take notes like my life depends on it, AND I thought I knew what I was talking about. How did I possibly get a D+?? There are kids who NEVER come to class, and some just sit there and sleep! WTF. I am going to meet him in his office and tears are going to flow.  You can sure as hell bet that I will milk it to get a better grade.

"...Infact the average was a 15." [brain freezes at this point, and my ears begin listening to him again] "I'm very pleased with the responses." 
Ok. hold the phone. What did he just say?
I ask him to clarify "Dude, how is a failing grade considered good?" (Ok maybe I didn't call him dude)
Well it turns out that he grades us on a scale of comparison against each other.  He lines up all the grades and the center one gets a B- then he scales up and down from the point. blah blah blah.

I've heard all I need to. He revealed that there is a list of our actual grades. I guess the grading gods were generous this round because on the list I have a nice shiny B.

Hallelujah!

Fruit Roll-up Boy follow up:

Dude.

Ewww. cutting your nails with that knife! Really? Are you sure that is what you want to do with your time during this lecture? I'm sitting here hypervenalating about my midterm grade and you are calmly slicing off the edges of your nails as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

gross.

-Girl trying not to stare at you

Letters to my classmates .3

Dear Fruit-roll-up boy: (Ok- they might be tasty but the 3 you just ate today are making the table all sticky)

You look kind of creative, probably a little nerdy as well... I imagine there is a Trogdor T-shirt in your wardrobe somewhere, and that is just fine and dandy.  The fancy erasers and drawing pencils might be fun to take notes with, but you are leaving eraser dust EVERYWHERE!  It goes to far when your neighbor is finding it in her hair an hour later, while chatting up a cute guy I met after class!

But you know what, I can get over this slight humiliation. What really creeps me out is your KNIFE!  Do you really need to have a knife on the desk during philosophy class? No matter how aggressive he is, I doubt Socrates is going to attack you (today).  I can see the knife holster on your belt and it makes me wonder... What possible scenario have you thought of that would require a safety switchblade at your elbow.  Do you really think  you will need a sharp weapon so suddenly that there wont be time to reach for your belt?  Oooooi you just pulled out a Zippo lighter. That's cool... but you look more like the flavored cigar type than a smokin rebel without a cause. Good luck figuring out who you are.

-Girl wearing a Kevlar vest and hairnet

 P.S. Put your Tevas back on. dork.

Letters to my Classmates part 2

Dear Silent Asian boy (yes I did call you boy. You must be over 100 pounds to be a man):

I've never heard you speak, but I'm not sure I want to after seeing that hello kitty key chain on your backpack. Every time I see you I have this urge to bake all kinds of deserts. And I don't even know how to bake!! I just want to feed you pie and cheesecake and brownies and pudding. You need some meat and potatoes. Mashed, baked, chopped, boiled, fried, anyway you want! Just eat something. please. Food is so delicious, how have you resisted it your whole life? Now I would be slightly more understanding, if you were to reveal that you really ARE 12, and all prepubescent boys are this size. But sadly I think I'll be waiting a long time for that answer.

-Girl with all the baked goods behind you

Letters to my Classmates Part 1

Dear Dirty Hippie boy: (no, your scarf and jewelry don't project an image of confidence, it screams masculinity crisis)

When you bob your head to the tune of the socialist feminist masquerading as teacher in our class it makes me want to scream. Your ugly ponytail and Birkenstocks don't disguise the empty space in your head where rationality and a sense of patriotism should reside. Next time you bring hemp milk or soy tea to class, I might just dump it on your organic recycled notebook. And since you limit yourself to only responding in a 100% politically correct manner, your comments in class are blatant evidence of your brainwashed and unoriginal identity. Learn to think for yourself and maybe you will find that something intelligent will come out of your mouth.

-The conservative girl sharpening a knife behind you

.

Coffee with Plato

Well I'm in a cafe again. I just cant resist coffee these days. I'm sitting here chuckling as I drink my Americano and read Plato. You see, Plato was actually pretty funny. I know he is an ancient dead white man and the people who determine political correctness these days claim we are supposed to abandon the DWMs, but I cant help it! (Plus why are all westerners considered white! Italians, Spaniards, and Greeks are European and they aren't white! Why should western history, by this most people mean European and United States, be despised simply because it was successful. Just because Europeans developed the technology and governing system to conquer and colonize the world doesn't mean that all European descendants should be guilty of harboring superiority complexes and a desire for world domination.)

Ok, back on track- Plato- funny guy. smart too. so let me just show you this hilarious part---

Ok Socrates and this dude Meno are chatting about virtue--

"Socrates: You are outrageous, Meno. You bother an old man to answer questions but you yourself are not willing to recall... Even someone who is blindfolded would know from your conversation that you are handsome and still have lovers

Meno: How so?

Socrates: Because you are forever giving orders in a discussion, as spoiled people do, who behave like tyrants as long as they are young. And perhaps you have recognized that I am at a disadvantage with handsome people so I will do you the favor of an answer."

HA! isnt that great? here they are going on about the nature of virtue and whether or not it can be taught and then S goes off on M about being better looking!

OMG

So. Funny.

Now that my strange sense of humor has scared you away, I'll just sit here quietly and order another pastry.